F for Effort Read online

  F for Effort

  More of the Very Best

  Totally Wrong Test Answers

  Richard Benson

  Contents

  Introduction

  Elementary Grades

  High School

  Biology

  Chemistry

  English

  History and Geography

  Math

  Physics

  Extra Credit

  About the Author

  Copyright

  Introduction

  There are different flavors of failure.

  For the real test and homework responses collected here from the elementary school set, the failure is a lack of understanding why what they wrote is funny, as in the difference between “gravity” and “gravy.” And in fact some of the mistakes yield deeper truths, such as the case of a student claiming J. K. Rowling is her “heroin.”

  The failures of the older students are merely that they have not successfully provided the correct answers to the questions they’ve been asked. Whatever. Instead, knowing as everyone does at —some point that they just don’t know the answer, they accomplish something perhaps more difficult, and certainly more fun. Thankfully, in mining the test prompts for humor, value, and artistic inspiration math seems particularly stimulating in this regard they’ve turned test taking and failing into a form of entertainment, for them, and now for us.

  ELEMENTARY SCHOOL

  I SCHOOL

  HIGH SCHOOL

  BIOLOGY

  Can a man still reproduce with only one testicle?

  Name the largest bone in your body.

  Name three uses of the skin.

  Name an insect.

  Name another insect.

  Name two kinds of ants.

  Draw a plant cell and identify its most important parts.

  The early sexual maturity of children and the subsequent shortening of childhood is caused by

  Define post-mortem.

  What are steroids?

  Give the meaning of the term caesarean section.

  Name four animals that belong to the cat family.

  What is the general width of a hair follicle?

  What is ecology?

  Cite the key difference between a centipede and a millipede.

  What are fossils?

  What are crabs, lobsters, and crayfish all classified as?

  Name four methods of locomotion in animals.

  How frequent is biennial?

  List five ways that plants interact with each other.

  What is the science of classifying living things called?

  What is a parabola?

  What is your opinion of the relative merits of lecture and laboratory instruction in physiology?

  Define germination.

  In flowers, what function does the pistil serve?

  Give the precise location of cytochrome c in the cell.

  Describe how an enzyme could be immobilized

  Name one advantage that sexual reproduction has over asexual reproduction.

  How is the brain like a cantaloupe?

  CHEMISTRY

  Describe the bonding of S02.

  Alice places a prepared slide on her microscope, but when she looks into it, she can’t see anything. Suggest one reason why not.

  How would you keep wine from turning into vinegar?

  Write a balanced equation for the reaction by writing balanced half equations and combining them.

  Explain how to measure less than 100 ml. of water using a graduated cylinder.

  A liter is

  What is a super-saturated solution?

  Explain why phosphorus trichloride (PCI3) is polar.

  When a child swallows a cleaning product, why is milk often given?

  What is the toxicity of cyanide?

  What is the primary leavening agent used in bread?

  What state of matter is steam?

  In which of the two steps does reduction of titanium occur?

  Explain your answer.

  Dextromethorphan is also used and abused “recreationally” because, at larger doses, it is a hallucinogenic (it is structurally related to morphine). Due to a mistake in the weighing process, the solution the pharmacist has prepared is actually 0.0110 M in dextromethorphan. How will the pharmacist obtain 200 ml_ of safe children’s syrup from the dangerous concentrated solution?

  The pharmacist will

  ENGLISH

  Use the words timorous and meander in a sentence.

  Correct the error in the sentence: The girl were extraordinarily intelligent.

  Correct the following: The bull and the cow is in the field.

  Give an example of the Imperative Mood.

  Why did the Ancient Mariner kill the albatross?

  Name two plays by Shakespeare.

  Correct the sentence: The toast was drank in silence.

  Name three relative pronouns.

  Define caucus.

  Define monsoon.

  What is an inverted sentence?

  Define epitaph.

  In what circumstances does the fourth act of Hamlet begin?

  What is a morality play?

  What are Milton’s significant works?

  Who was the Hunchback of Notre Dame?

  HISTORY AND GEOGRAPHY

  What people live in the Po Valley?

  What did Paul Revere say at the end of his famous ride?

  Explain one reason why people are concerned about rising water levels in the world’s oceans.

  Explain why the population increased so much in nineteenth century Britain.

  Describe a major social movement from the twentieth century and its effects.

  What hemisphere do you live in?

  What is the chief product of the Hawaiian Islands?

  Who signed the Magna Carta?

  How many wars were waged against Spain?

  Enumerate them.

  Cite three differences between the Arctic and Antarctic oceans.

  Name a check that is placed on the President’s power in the United States.

  What is the Sound west of the state of Washington?

  What was the cause of the Industrial Revolution?

  Name a right guaranteed under the Constitution.

  What was the Age of Pericles?

  What made the tower of Pisa lean?

  In what regions is Buddhism primarily practiced?

  The wife of a marquis is a

  What is meant by the legal term “Double Jeopardy”?

  What two revolutions preceded the French Revolution?

  What law was common to all of the Colonies?

  On what grounds was Aaron Burr tried for treason?

  What part did the U.S. Navy play in the war?

  What were Caesar’s last words?

  What direction does the Amazon flow?

  What do the people of North Dakota raise?

  When did the founding fathers draft the Constitution?

  Imagine that you lived at the same time as Abraham Lincoln. What would you say to him or ask him?

  Name the system of writing used by ancient Egyptians.

  What is the difference between the February and October Revolutions?

  The government relocated the Indians to

  What groups of people and which countries make up Scandinavia?

  What are the Western plains noted for?

  Where is Chicago?

  MATH

  The solid figure below can best be described as:

  Anna is trying to decide what to have for lunch in the cafeteria. She can choose 1 entrée and 2 side dishes. There are 4 available entrées, and 8 available side dishes. How many different combinations are possible for Anna’s lunch?

  A pol
ygon is:

  John keeps pigs and chickens on his farm. Among them, they have a total of 43 heads and 142 legs. How many pigs and chickens are on the farm?

  If an angle has less than 90 degrees, what is it called?

  Name a pair of vertical angles.

  A startled armadillo jumps straight into the air with an initial velocity of 18 feet per second. After how many seconds does it land on the ground?

  What do we mean by “total” and “remainder”?

  A train is blowing its whistle while traveling at 33 m/s. The speed of sound is 343 m/s. If you are directly in front of the train, what is the whistle frequency you hear?

  Matt had a 9 ft by 12 ft wall painted. For a wall twice as wide, the painter charged him twice as much. Is this reasonable? Explain.

  What is the unique solution to the IVP

  Find the complex and real roots of the function: f(x) = x2 (x3 -1)

  Find the volume and surface area of the right cylinder.

  If Andrew invests $25,000 at 8.5% APR compounded monthly, how much money will he have after 10 years?

  Define the triangle.

  PHYSICS

  Define electronegativity.

  What causes earthquakes?

  The water of the earth’s oceans stores lots of heat. An engineer designed an ocean liner that would extract heat from the ocean’s waters at Th = 10oC (283 K) and reject heat to the atmosphere at T1 = 20oC (293 K). He thought he had a good idea, but his boss fired him. Explain.

  Describe an achievement of Galileo.

  What is a solar day?

  Why are there rings around Saturn?

  Name three sources of heat.

  Explain the effect of heat and cold and give an illustration.

  Explain how energy is lost during an energy conversion.

  Define momentum.

  Name three states in which water may exist.

  What causes thunder?

  How are clouds formed?

  What are the tides?

  EXTRA CREDIT

  Explain this sentence: Be kind to the erring.

  What is the chief cause of divorce?

  Science Question:

  Brief description of your experiment plan/research plan:

  Any safety issues or unique display requirements? (If so, describe below.)

  How are sardines caught?

  Why is the sea salty?

  Fossil fuels are usually associated with which of the three major rock types?

  When a star in the sky suddenly brightens and then fades gradually over several years, what is likely happening in the star’s life cycle?

  Name three articles of clothing.

  CAUSE:

  Tony practices the piano 20 minutes every day.

  EFFECT:

  An alien becomes a citizen by the process of

  What should be done in a case of apparent drowning?

  In the space below please write any overall comments about this course or instructor not covered above.

  National Best Seller

  Also Available F in Exams

  Faced with a question they have no hope of getting right, these students decide to have a little fun instead.

  $9.95 . PB

  What is the highest-frequency noise that a human can register?

  Expand 2(x + y)

  What was the main industry in Persia?

  RICHARD BENSON is the author F in Exams and several other humor books. He lives in London.

  First published in the United States in 2012 by Chronicle Books LLC

  Portions of this book were published in the United Kingdom in 2009 by Summersdale

  Publishers Ltd. under the title Blackboard Blunders. Copyright © 2009 by Summersdale

  Publishers Ltd. All rights reserved.

  Compilation copyright © 2012 by Chronicle Books LLC.

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any from without permission from the publisher.

  ISBN 978-1-4521-1926-7 (eBook)

  The Library of Congress has previously cataloged this title under ISBN 978-1-4521-1322-7

  Cover design by Neil Egan

  www.chroniclebooks.com

 

 

  Richard Benson, F for Effort

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